BE the life of the party

A low-profile way to Build Relationships and BE the life of the party.

Many of my clients who experience social anxiety are frustrated by the conflict between their intense enjoyment of fun and friendship on the one hand, and their struggle to build comfortable relationships on the other hand. The truth is, there are no easy ways to accomplish strong friendships without spending time and effort to build relationships over time. But I have discovered a few techniques that are relatively low-profile (translate: no spotlight and no anxiety) with amazingly powerful results.

Here are a few principles:

  1. Use frequency, not mass quantity. In other words, stop by frequently to say hi for 5 minutes at the dorm room of a prospective friend instead of going on a spring break trip with them. Don’t stop by for an hour every other week, stop by and say, “Hey, what’s been on your mind lately,” about twice per week. It’s amazing how quickly this sort of routine becomes familiar and low stress, and familiarity breeds friendship.
  2. Get them talking about their interests. People will think you are a good conversationalist if you ask open ended questions (i.e. not yes/no questions) about their interests, hobbies, and struggles. People love to talk about themselves (except you, because your anxiety makes you uncomfortable right now–soon to change as you become more used to it).
  3. Be casual. Be like the old comfortable hat. This means that you must not get panicky when there is a moment of silence. You need to realize that shared silence is a form of comfortable communication. If the other person senses that you are not anxious about 10 seconds of staring at the floor, then they will feel closer to you. If you fill that space with, “So…umm…what..umm..nice weather we’re having,” they will feel like you are being too formal and trying too hard. Be informal.
  4. Use the written word to your advantage. One of the coolest and most powerful ways I have discovered for doing this is by sending simple cards or post-cards through the mail. So the really cool thing about sending out cards to people you sort-of-know (or know really well) is that you don’t have to say much (the funny or encouraging card does that for you) and yet the person receiving your card feels warm and connected to you. So the next time they run into you at a party, or at the store, or at the next family gathering, they instantly want to come up to you and initiate a conversation with you, thanking you for being so thoughtful. It’s really a fun way of giving to others that leads to getting more back than what you even gave.
  5. Finally, I want to remind you of something you already know. You can’t build friendships when you refuse to accept the advances or invitations of others. This is obvious on the surface, but let me point out some really important places where this becomes crucial. One is eye-contact. You may not realize it, but if you have any social-anxiety traits at all, you are likely to stare at the floor more than you stare into the eyes of someone who is trying to reach out to you in a conversation. Your social anxiety instinct tells you that you are avoiding discomfort or avoiding the appearance of being overly dominant. But really, the experience for a non-socially anxious person is that you don’t really find them intriguing or interesting. This is especially true for women. Look them in the eye! If you can’t do it, try looking at the bridge of their nose between their eyes to start with (people cannot tell that you are not looking them in the eye when you do this until you get about one foot from their face, and even then it’s hard to tell for sure).

Another way to accept the advances of others is to be enthusiastic when you see them or when you accept an invitation to join them later for some event. Smile broadly, look them in the eye, and try to imagine how you would greet an old friend that you were very excited to see after a prolonged absence. This technique will help you to look how you feel. People with social anxiety often feel that they are being more flamboyant and “out there” than they really are. That’s why you are so often surprised by people describing you as “quiet” when you don’t really feel all that quiet. So get excited and try to exagerate a bit. People will take it as a compliment. Remember rule number one about social anxiety, they aren’t watching you to criticize you, they’re watching for signs that you like them, care about them, or can in some way meet their needs.

Be courageous!

Dr. Snyder